Throughout the month of March, I am participating in the Slice of Life Story Challenge. I am happy to co-host this event with the team at Two Writing Teachers. Everyone is welcome!
"Oh yes," she says. "I almost quit."
I stare, waiting for the glimmer of a smile, the hint that she was joking. None come. She is serious. And there is residual anger that tingles the tops of my arms.
I cringe at her words because I played a part in the sequence of events that led to her reaction. Not purposely. Not even remotely purposely. But still, this is the perception, and perception is reality. Our interpretation of others' words and actions become our truths, whether the intention to harm or hurt was there or not.
This is the second time this month that I've been struck how words, written with an entirely different intent, have the power to hurt and anger. I know that words are powerful and can hurt and anger when the intention exists, but what about when the writer meant to be funny? Or to be honest? Or helpful? Or nothing at all-- just meant to relay an experience? We all bring ourselves to our reading lives, and we interpret through those lenses. We bring vulnerabilities, fears, histories, and experiences, and those all dance their roles in our ultimate interpretation and reaction. While it's an important lesson to teach students-- and many of us do-- it's also important to remember ourselves, especially as we share our writing throughout March. Just putting our writing out there is so brave, and we are so vulnerable.
Which leads me to some thoughts on feedback. While feedback has the power to make us better -- John Hattie has found it to be the number one indicator of increased student achievement in some of his meta-studies-- it can also feel like a cold shower. And the more invested we are in the work, the harder it might be to hear and receive feedback with grace and courage. We bristle, we dwell, we respond sometimes more quickly and more angrily than we should-- and we are adults with fully formed frontal lobes. What about our students? There's a catch 22 in this because I do think that the more invested and engaged we are in the work, the less we want to hear that it needs some work. I'm going to have to think more about this...
Which sort of leads to relationships in the work we do. We earn the right to provide feedback through relationships. Was it Don Graves who said we shouldn't try to teach writers until we know ten things about them?
I've digressed with my reflections.
"I'm so glad you didn't quit," I say. And I hope she knows how deeply I mean that.
Happy Slicing,
So much to think about here! I think there is also something about confidence and experience to think about here. I have confidence in my writing and in myself as a writer, and I have many years of experience writing, so I know how to process feedback and take what is useful to me and leave the rest. For new writers or less confident writers, I think there is such a strong fear of "maybe I'm not doing this right" and "maybe I can't do this at all" that any feedback that could be perceived as negative can damage. I think writers need cheerleaders for a long time as they build the habit and perception of themselves as writers.
ReplyDeleteSo well said, Melanie. Perception becomes reality; how we react becomes the path we take.
ReplyDeleteSo often we get sucked into an eddy of emotion and respond to feedback as if it is a personal insult, especially if we have worked hard on the product. I'm not sure how we can change that perception, but your post gives me lots to think about.
Thank you for these words and for the reminder that the words we use are powerful - in good and not so good ways. We all need to be conscious of the power of our words.
ReplyDeleteI think culture has an impact too. If you as the teacher model reflective thinking after mistakes or just in the process of trying to grow, that's a start! Feedback you're not ready to hear still stings, though, no matter what!
ReplyDeleteLots to love about this slice, Melanie. Especially thinking about the line, "...the more invested and engaged we are in the work, the less we want to hear that it needs some work." Reminds me of something I learned years ago about why the units of study changed to be written in "bends"-- the longer someone (a kid) works on something, the less willing s/he is to revise it. Maybe that's true for us? I hope not. But gotta be on the lookout for that. Thanks
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